Author: AigooKeyandTaemin
Requested through APink Request
Shop! ♥
Title: 3/5
- It was quite long, and
there was a typographical error. (‘in love’)
- On another note, the good
part about it is that it gave a hint to the readers about the plot.
Poster/Background/Design:
4/5
- The poster was quite excessively
designed. The smaller words aren’t really clear.
- You fulfilled the basic
requirements as the main characters were shown.
- The quality of the pictures
in the poster were relatively standardized.
- It was animated(:
Description/Foreword: 10/10
- Excellent work on your
description and foreword ^^
- It was detailed, and pictures
were provided for the main characters.
Characters: 10/15
- You managed to give the
readers a basic knowledge of the characters (their likes and dislikes, etc.)
- However, their personalities
were not really shown (more elaboration needed).
- Emotions of main characters
were shown.
- Reduce the number of
characters or it’ll be troublesome to characterize them. It was your first time
writing so I didn’t grade you for your characterization in detail.
- Feelings main characters
have for others around them were expressed. Good job on that(:
Plot: 20/30
- It’s good that basic
planning can be seen from your story. Planning is important as you’ll know
where you want your story to head.
- Frankly speaking, it was
too long. If it’s your first time writing, keep it short. A plot that’s too
long might make the story too melodramatic and/or “draggy”.
- You would do much better if
you got to the climax of the story faster.
- You were able to show
Taemin’s affection for the girl (the conversation Taemin had on the phone and Minho ’s remarks when he overheard).
- I did see effort for making
the plot interesting so I added marks(:
Flow/Pace: 3/5
- Your transitions (into
flashbacks, etc.) were quite smooth. Keep it up ^^
- The pace was quite slow.
- The flow was relatively
smooth as you were able to push the story along.
Writing Style: 4/10
- Your descriptions,
background information, etc in the story was very, very detailed.
- The points of view need
some working on.
- Please align to the left
(and standardize it) so I can see where the paragraphing is.
- Avoid emoticons. You’re
supposed to show the readers how the characters feel not tell them.
- Descriptions are too vague.
Originality/Creativity: 4/5
- Marks were awarded more for
originality than for creativity.
- Story wasn’t copied/adapted
from other sources.
Punctuation/Spelling/Tenses/Grammar/Vocabulary:
9/15
- I didn’t spot any punctuation
errors.
- Spelling and typographical
errors were few.
- Suggestion: Expand your vocabulary
and double-check your tenses.
- Overall, there was not much
of a problem other than the above-mentioned vocabulary and tenses(:
Bonus: 2 marks
- For the pictures provided
throughout the story ^^
- Effort for writing a long
story despite it being your first.
Marks Achieved: 69/100
Grade: C
~~~~~~~
Corrections
*I only picked a few errors to correct
from each of the first thirteen chapters (out of the current thirty-four). The
story is still ongoing.
Chapter 1
- Sentence: I’m still
trying to familiarize myself to the new environment.
- Why it’s wrong: (1) Tense.
(2) Incorrect word. It should be ‘with’ not ‘to’.
- Correction: I was still trying
to familiarize myself with the new environment.
- Sentences: (1) I finally
woke up. After five rings of the alarm clock, I finally woke up. (2)
But we can speak English very fluent English because of Forever
Moving.
- Why it’s wrong: (1) Try to
avoid repeating so frequently. It only drags the story. (2) Don’t write “Forever
Moving”. Firstly, the capitalization is incorrect. Secondly, you can’t express
it like that.
- Correction: (1) The
incessant ringing from the alarm clock finally woke me up. (2) However, we speak
fluent English as we moved house frequently due to our father’s job.
Chapter 2
- Sentence: Me and Trish
are starting to become closer and closer.
- Why it’s wrong: (1) ‘Trish
and I’ not ‘Me and Trish’. Improper English. (2) Tense.
- Correction: Trish and I grew
closer as time passed.
Chapter 3
- Sentence: Secretive
Parents of Mine never fails to make us surprised all the time.
- Why it’s wrong: (1) Incorrect
capitalization. (2) Tense. (3) It can’t possibly happen all the time.
- Correction: My sneaky
parents never failed to surprise us every time.
Chapter 4
- Sentence: Well, I’m really
hungry and this Bacon and Eggs looks and smells so good. I have to take a
taste. NOM NOM NOM…. BURRRP! Excuse Me. ^_^
- Why it’s wrong: (1) You are
not talking. It shouldn’t be phrased like that. (2) Show, don’t tell. Describe
how you’re ‘really hungry’. Don’t just say it. (3) Emoticons are highly
discouraged. Story-writing consists of descriptions, not emoticons.
- Correction: The smell of bacon
and eggs had my mouth watering. Famished, I wolfed them down, burping
contentedly when I finished.
Chapter 5
- Sentence: They all putted
their own scarves, cap, gloves and shades. They waved goodbye,
I nodded and they walked out the door.
- Why it’s wrong: (1) Don’t
use ‘They all’ and ‘their own’. (2) Never ever repeat this mistake again: Past
tense of ‘put’ is ‘put’. ‘Putted’ means ‘to try to hit a golf ball into a hole
by striking it gently so that it rolls across the green’. (3) The way you
phrased/expressed the sentence was odd. Taemin isn’t dismissing his servants.
You didn’t express how Taemin nodded and readers might misinterpret it into what
I had mentioned earlier.
- Correction: After wearing
their scarves, caps, gloves and shades, they walked out, waving goodbye. I
acknowledged them with a smile and a slight nod and continued practising my
dance steps.
Chapter 6
- Sentence: After that
meeting. We talked a lot about how was our life for the last 7 years… Those
years when we were separated from each other and almost forgot about each
other.
- Why it’s wrong: (1) Both of
you are meeting at that point of time, so you can’t say ‘after that meeting’. Also,
‘After that meeting’ isn’t a complete sentence by itself. (2) You’re telling
the readers and not showing. Try to describe.
- Correction: Seven long
years; we almost forgot each other. How much have we missed out in each other’s
lives? I leaning companionably against him as we each shared how our last seven
years were like – all the happy, sad and funny moments that left deep
impressions on us.
Chapter 7
- Sentence: And it explained
everything. Almost half of my life lies here in this tree. Without
today’s happening, I will never uncover my childhood.
- Why it’s wrong: (1)
Incorrect expression. (2) ‘will’ has a more definite connotation as compared to
‘would’. ‘never’ is an extremity that needs to be phrased properly; it means ‘at
no time in the past or future/not ever’.
- Correction: (I
understood the ‘tree’ part, but a wrong expression is a wrong expression. I
couldn’t think of how to tweak it so it’ll be correct so I’ll just correct the
second part of the extract.) … If I didn’t meet him today, I would never
have thought to uncover the past.
Chapter 8
- Sentence: I fixed myself.
Take not that I’m wearing a white tank top with my mini black shorts, it
was a little bit revealing but it’s alright. I headed downstairs.
- Why it’s wrong: (1) You can
fix your make-up but you can’t fix yourself (you’re not an object or an item,
etc.) (2) Typographical error. (3) Show, don’t tell. (4) This isn’t a journal. Trying
to be conversational is fine, but avoid going all the way – making it a
conversation.
- Correction: I slipped on a
white tank top and comfortable but slightly revealing black shorts before I
headed down for breakfast.
Chapter 9
- Sentence: No wonder why
he looks so heavenly cute that makes all the Noona’s dead.
- Why it’s wrong: (1) There
shouldn’t be a ‘why’. (2) No such thing as ‘heavenly cute’. Kindly describe for
the benefit of your readers. (3) Incorrect punctuation. (4) Cut down on the
exaggerations and show the readers why they should think like that. Describe.
- Correction: You can search online for examples from descriptive
passages.
Chapter 10
- Sentence: Everyone in class
just introduced their self.
- Why it’s wrong: No such
thing as ‘their self’.
- Correction: Everyone
briefly introduced themselves.
Chapter 11
- Sentence: He knew
that I like Taemin. - __________ -
- Why it’s wrong: (1) Tense. (2)
Don’t replace descriptions with emoticons.
- Correction: I pulled a long
face. He now knows that I like Taemin.
- Sentence: I have a
lot of explaining to say to Jeongmin, tomorrow.
- Why it’s wrong: (1) Wrong
word. (2) Tense. (3) Incorrect punctuation.
- Correction: I had a lot of
explaining to do to Jeongmin. [It’s sufficient like that.]
Chapter 12
- Sentence: …because I’m
known as a cute-kind-nice-pretty-smart-new girl here.
- *NOTE:
You can choose to ignore this part – it’s just a suggestion.
- Comment: If you write
yourself as so perfect and all, readers might get turned off. After all, no one
is perfect. Putting f(x)’s Sulli as the antagonist only makes it seem as if
you’re jealous of her.
- Suggestion: Avoid showing
biasness in your writing.
Chapter 13
- Sentence: “Yah! Taemin-ah! Fix
yourself fast. The plane’s gonna leave us.”
- Why it’s wrong: (1) ‘Fix’
yourself. *See corrections for Chapter 8
(2) The plane can’t leave them. Incorrect phrasing.
- Correction: “Yah!
Taemin-ah! Get dressed quickly! We’re going to miss our flight!” or “Yah! … The plane is going to take
off soon!”
- Sentence:
:’( He’s going to leave me.
I should’ve just answered
his call.
I’m going to miss him, if I
answered his call I could’ve heard his voice.
I’m gonna regret this.
- Why it’s wrong: (1)
Emoticon. (2) Paragraphing. (3) Journal-writing and not story-writing. (4) He’s
not leaving you forever. Try not to exaggerate things. Also, write about how
much you miss him and let the readers empathize with you. Don’t write it like
that as it only makes it seem as if you lack maturity. (5) Your tone already
shows that you regret it. Avoid repeating unnecessary details.
- Correction: Try to use descriptive phrases. Your goal is
to get the readers to empathize with your character.
Side Note:
Keep up the excellent work on your forewords and description
section! ^^ Now what you need to do is to work on your writing style. Keep it
less conversational. Narrate the story. Vocabulary and tenses can be worked on
slowly. They require a lot of reading, and much, much more practise. You
requested for leniency, so I tried my best to be lenient. Don’t be disheartened
by the grade. Keep writing; you’ll improve with time(:
♥ cheonsa
~~~~~~~
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