Author: WangZiShinWoo
Requested
through APink Request Shop! ♥
Title: 5/5
-
Interesting
and unique title.
Poster/Background/Design:
4/5
-
The
quality of the poster was standardized, which is good(:
-
However,
the font of the words on the poster didn’t suit the mood of the story. The font
gives an impression of violence and bloodshed, but your story did not have such
a serious tone.
-
On
another note, the main colour, red, suited the theme well.
Description/Foreword:
8/10
-
The
description was clear.
-
You
revealed a little too much, and the ending becomes quite predictable.
-
The
foreword was good as you showed the characters and also provided pictures.
However, it’ll be much better if you categorised these under description
instead. The foreword could be used to communicate with your readers. For
example, you could tell them where your inspiration came from.
Characters: 10/15
-
Characters’
emotions, thoughts and feelings for others were expressed.
-
Try
to describe more instead of only telling the readers.
-
The
characters’ backgrounds were also shown.
-
However,
I recommend that you cut down on your characters as it would cause your
characterization to be mostly on a surface level and it’ll lack depth.
-
Also,
try to make them seem more like royalty. Donghae needs to be tougher if you
want to portray him as a Prince and a leader. He can’t be the childish and fun
Super Junior’s Donghae (perhaps you could make him show that side only when
he’s with Jessica?).
Plot: 21/30
-
The
plot was good, and I’m sure there’ll be much melodrama later on.
-
It
was interesting as few would choose to write about that era. After all,
technology and hand phones are awesome~ Good job for being able to write an
engaging story! ^^
-
One
thing to note: try to avoid predictable plots. Add a twist in the story if
possible. After all, you’re only halfway through your story so you still can
spend time thinking of something to add to bring out your storyline.
-
I
can’t comment much as you haven’t finished writing, but you’re on the right
track. All the best! ^^
Flow/Pace: 3/5
-
The
flow was relatively smooth, but I had to re-read some parts before I could fully
comprehend what was going on. Try to smooth out your flashbacks, etc.
-
The
pace was fine. You can try to speed up exciting parts of the story such as when
the characters are fighting.
Writing Style: 6/10
-
You
are able to form scenes and show it to the readers instead of merely telling.
-
However,
you can try to show the characters’ emotions more instead of telling.
-
The
characters’ points of view were developed.
-
Work
on your flow so that readers can follow your train of thoughts and I’m sure
you’ll do much better. You have the potential to write.
Originality/Creativity:
4/5
-
It
was both original and creative, except for the quite predictable ending. You
may decide to add a twist later on, though, so I can’t really grade this part.
Punctuation/Spelling/Tenses/Grammar/Vocabulary:
11/15
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There
were some typographical, punctuation and grammatical errors.
-
Your
tenses were fine.
-
You
could expand your vocabulary. Learn more dialogue tags – it’ll help.
-
You
had no problems in your spelling.
Bonus: 1 mark
-
It’s
a different storyline from typical fan-fictions, and you chose an interesting
era(:
Marks Achieved: 73/100
Grade: C+
~~~~~~~
Corrections
Chapter 1:
- Sentence: " Your
Highness, Jessica. We can't be listening in on his majesty." whispered Jessica's
personal maid that sticked with Jessica all the time.
- Why it’s wrong: (1) No
spacing after open inverted commas (quotation marks) – this applies to the rest
of your story as well. (2) Incorrect word and tense.
- Correction: …personal maid
that attended to Jessica all the time. [If
you were to attend to someone all the time, you would have to follow the person
around so the phrase ‘attend to’ can be used in this case.]
- Sentence: Her maid said
nervously and scared.
- Why it’s wrong: (1) The
word ‘scared’ is grammatically incorrect in this sentence, and it’s quite
redundant. (2) It’ll be better if you described more instead of merely telling
the readers.
- Correction: Her maid said
nervously.
Chapter 2:
- Sentence: Maybe the prince
is purposely blaming us so that he will start a war between both our country.
- Why it’s wrong: (1) If you
intended for Jessica to be immature, you managed to make her seem that way,
which is good. If not, try to change the way she speaks and thinks. Her current
tone is that of a naïve princess. (2) Plural.
- Correction: …both our
countries.
- Sentence: *swish*swish*
- Why it’s wrong: Avoid such
expressions. Use descriptions instead of typing the “sound” out. Such things
and emoticons are strongly discouraged as it would show your lack of vocabulary
and your inability to write descriptions.
- Correction: Omit such things totally and describe.
Chapter 3:
- Sentence: …we must use this
girl as bait for the King's head!
- Why it’s wrong: You can’t
use her as bait for the King’s head. You bait an enemy into a trap, or you use
something as bait to trap the enemy.
- Correction: …we must use this
girl to bait the enemy and get the King’s head!
- Sentence: " OPPA!!"
" Hahahahaha~ Now you!" said Donghae as he stood in front of
me holding out his sword.
- Why it’s wrong: (1) Spacing
and paragraphing. (2) Avoid using ‘hahaha’s and tildes.
Correction: “OPPA!!” [new paragraph] “Now you!” Donghae
laughed sinisterly…
Chapter 4:
- Sentence: Heechul said as
he grabbed his sisters arm and left along with the Nanny running
after.
- Why it’s wrong: (1) Missing
punctuation. (2) Running after…?
- Correction: Heechul said as
he grabbed his sister’s arm. They strode off quickly with the Nanny trailing closely
behind them.
Chapter 5:
- Sentences:
" The Prince and
Princess of Berthalania it is my pleasure to be here standing in front of you
both."
" I hope we can get
along..."
" I am Lee Donghae,
Prince of Veneasia and heir to the crown."
- Why it’s wrong: (1) Spacing.
(2) Don’t separate the lines if they’re spoken by the same person. (3) If you’re
speaking to someone, you don’t say “The {someone’s name}”. (4) Missing punctuation.
- Correction: “Prince and Princess
of Berthalania, it’s my pleasure to be here standing in front of you both. I hope
we can get along.” He paused. “I am Lee Donghae, the Prince of Veneasia and
heir to the crown.”
- Sentence: " The Prince
of Veneasia intruding into the enemy land is very brave." Heechul
said to him.
- Why it’s wrong: (1)
Spacing. (2) Why would he say ‘the enemy land’ when he is actually in
fact referring to the ground he’s currently standing on? (3) Incorrect phrasing
of sentence. (4) You have used ‘said’ too frequently in this story. Try using
other dialogue tags.
- Correction: "It is
brave of you, Prince of Veneasia, to dare to sneak into enemy land."
Heechul’s eyes twinkled with {insert
expression you want to portray}.
- Sentence: Donghae said
holding onto Jessica's arm and pecking a kiss on her palm.
- Why it’s wrong: (1) You
have a tendency of joining sentences. It’s good and bad. In this case, it has
made your sentence phrasing incorrect. (2) The word ‘onto’ is incorrectly used.
(3) Change ‘said’. (4) You don’t peck a kiss. The word ‘peck’ already means ‘kiss’.
- Correction: Donghae {insert dialogue tag}, holding on to
Jessica’s hand as he pecked her palm.
Chapter 6:
- Sentence: Jessica quickly
swerved around and saw Donghae standing by the door slowly walking towards her.
- Why it’s wrong: (1) Joining
of sentences. Lengthy sentences tend to have more errors. (2) Tenses.
- Correction: Jessica swerved
around to see Donghae walking slowly into the room towards her.
- Sentence: Jessica looked at
Donghae in shock, Donghae grabbed Jessica's arm and pushed her onto his bed and
got on top of her.
- Why it’s wrong: Joining of
sentences.
- Correction: Jessica looked
at Donghae in shock. Donghae merely grabbed Jessica's arm and pushed her onto
his bed, getting on top of her.
Side Note:
You
have creative ideas and are talented in capturing the readers’ attention.
Improvements are of course necessary, but you are already doing well. Keep up
the good work! ^^
♥ cheonsa
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