Author: sungkyu
Title: 3/5
-
It
was short, simple and sweet. However, it’s an extremely common title.
Poster/Background/Design:
5/5
-
The
picture you chose was good as it clearly showed the two main characters.
-
The
background was simple and not distracting.
Description/Foreword: 7/10
-
Your
description was fine on the whole, but you didn’t state who the visual was and
who the maknae was. Readers who don’t know Infinite well enough wouldn’t be
able to remember who’s who.
-
Also,
it would be good if you could provide some information on Sungjong and Myungsoo
(e.g. their ages). You could have added ‘Infinite’ as one of the tags too.
-
Your
foreword had no problems(:
Characters: 15/15
-
Your
characterization was good(:
-
The
feelings and emotions of the characters were shown, and the feelings they had
for the characters around them were also brought out.
Plot: 25/30
- The plot was interesting
and really good ^^
- Planning could be seen as
there was no missing information in the story.
- You were able to show what
the problem was instead of merely telling, and you were also able to show how
the problem was resolved in the end.
- One thing though, I’ve seen
many similar storylines before. It was sweet and fluffy, but perhaps you could
have added a twist to spice up the story. Doing so, your story would leave a
deep impression on its readers and they will remember it.
Flow/Pace: 4/5
- You could have separated
the part where Myungsoo left Sungjong and Hoya’s room and the next morning when
Sungjong barged into Myungsoo’s room with a line. The break wasn’t clear.
- Otherwise, you had no
problems in your flow and pacing of the story(:
Writing Style: 10/10
- You are able to capture the
reader’s attention, and keep them absorbed in the story all the way. Simply
put: good work! ^^
Originality/Creativity:
3/5
- Your story was original,
but you lost marks when marked under creativity.
Punctuation/Spelling/Tenses/Grammar/Vocabulary:
10/15
- You had no problems in your
punctuation and spelling.
- The paragraphing for
conversations was incorrect.
- Some of your sentences were
phrased incorrectly.
- Your basic vocabulary was
fine.
- There were some
typographical errors.
- You did well on your
tenses(:
Bonus: 2 mark
- I loved the part where
Myungsoo prepared all the sticky notes for Sungjong! ^^
Marks Achieved: 84/100
Grade: B+
~~~~~~~
Corrections
- Sentence: Sungjong loved
it, maybe more than Myungsoo.
- Why it’s wrong: Incorrect
sentence phrasing.
- Correction: Sungjong loved
it, maybe more than he loved Myungsoo.
- Sentence: "Where is
it?" He stared at the visual. Myungsoo smiled, "I don't know what
you're talking about, Jongie. Now come here so I can give you a kiss~"
Sungjong scoffed, "oh really hyung? So what Hoya-hyung told me was
a lie? That you weren't the one who went into my room and stole my
bear?!" he stomped. 'Damn that
stupid angry bird' Myungsoo cursed to himself. "Well?"
Sungjong snapped him out of his train of thought.
- Why it’s wrong: (1) Paragraphing.
(2) Capitalization. (3) Hoya told Sungjong that Myungsoo stole the bear, and
not that Myungsoo didn’t steal it (so it shouldn’t be ‘weren’t the one ho went
into…’) (4) Thoughts should be clearly shown instead of merely being italicized.
(5) You can interrupt someone’s train of thought, but you can’t snap someone
out of his/her train of thought. (6) Why is Hoya angry? (‘stupid angry bird’)
- Correction: "Where is
it?" He stared at the visual. [new
paragraph] Myungsoo smiled, "I don't know what you're talking about,
Jongie. Now come here so I can give you a kiss~" [new paragraph] Sungjong scoffed, "Oh really hyung? So what
Hoya-hyung told me was a lie? And you weren't the one who went into my room and
stole my bear?!" he stomped. [new
paragraph] 'Damn that stupid, big-mouthed bird!' Myungsoo cursed inwardly. [new paragraph] "Well?"
Sungjong interrupted Myungsoo’s train of thought.
- Sentence: Sungjong raised
his index finger, "don't ask." and left the room
slamming the door behind him
- Why it’s wrong: (1) Sentence
forming. (2) Capitalization. (3) Missing punctuation [a really minor typographical
error]
- Correction: Sungjong raised
his index finger. [new paragraph] "Don't
ask." [new paragraph] Saying
that, he strode away, slamming the door behind him.
- Sentence: …it got to the
point that he started to talking to the bamboo pillow.
- Why it’s wrong: (1) Tense. (2)
Replace ‘that’ with ‘where’ (got to the point = got to a “place”).
- Correction: …it got to the
point where he started to talk to the bamboo pillow.
- Sentence: He asked the
managers if they could take the others out, oddly they agreed to the
visual's request.
- Why it’s wrong: Sentence
phrasing. Don’t join sentences which are supposed to be separated.
- Correction: He asked the
managers if they could take the others out. Oddly, they agreed to the visual's
request.
- Sentence: He felt pressure
on his shoulders which was probably Myungsoo's hands, "is
that better?" he laughed. Sungjong crossed his arms. "Whatever, why
do i even have this on me?"
- Why it’s wrong: (1) Avoid ‘probably’, ‘maybe’, etc. You
writing in a third person’s point of view. (2) Paragraphing. (3) Capitalization.
- Correction: He felt
pressure on his shoulders which he guessed was Myungsoo's hands. [new paragraph] "Is that
better?" Myungsoo laughed. [new
paragraph] Sungjong crossed his arms. "Whatever. Why do I even have
this on me?"
- Sentence: Finally the
maknae pouted and gave up making Myungsoo smile 'you don't know
how cute you are' he thought to himself.
- Why it’s wrong: (1)
Sentence forming. (2) Punctuation. (3) Paragraphing.
- Correction: Finally the
maknae pouted and gave up. [new paragraph]
“You don't know how cute you are,” Myungsoo thought, smiling at Sungjong’s reaction.
- Sentence: Remember how I
confessed and you bursted into tears because you told me that you
liked me too?
- Why it’s wrong: (1) No such
word as ‘bursted’. (2) Incorrect sentence phrasing.
- Correction: Remember how I
confessed and you burst into tears, telling me that you liked me too?
- Sentence: "You know I
love you right?" Sungjong said as he kissed Myungsoo once again. He
smirked, "I know. And I love you, too bad we couldn't spend our
anniversary."
- Why it’s wrong: (1)
Paragraphing. (2) State who smirked as both are ‘He’s. It’s clearer that way. (3)
Joining of sentences.
- Correction: "You know
I love you right?" Sungjong said as he kissed Myungsoo once again. [new paragraph] "I know.” Myungsoo
smirked. “And I love you. It’s too bad we couldn't spend our anniversary."
- Sentence: ...brushing
against his sensitive skin making him gasp, "anything for you my
princess~" Sungjong punched Myungsoo's shoulder, "Pabo."
- Why it’s wrong: (1) Missing
punctuation. (2) He didn’t gasp out “Anything for you…” so you can’t join the
sentence like that. (3) Paragraphing.
- Correction: ...brushing
against his sensitive skin, making him gasp. [new paragraph] "Anything for you my princess~" [new paragraph] Sungjong punched
Myungsoo's shoulder, "Pabo."
Side Note:
Sweet,
short and interesting. I enjoyed your story very much! Keep up the excellent
work~ ^^
♥ cheonsa
~~~~~~~
No comments :
Post a Comment