Author: cn_ara
Title: 4/5
-
It’s
straightforward and does pack a punch. I couldn’t give you full marks, though,
as it wasn’t exactly original.
Description/Foreword: 6/10
-
The
description and foreword was clear.
-
You
also mentioned where your inspiration came from, which was good.
-
It
would be better if you briefly described the characters or gave some background
information on the characters. This is quite important as it’ll help form a
rough image of your character in the reader’s mind.
Characters: 14/15
-
Characters
were well-developed. Their thoughts, emotions, etc were portrayed.
-
You
were able to show the characters’ feelings for the people around them.
-
The
characters’ points of view were shown well as it does not confuse the readers
who was speaking or thinking at that moment.
-
What
you can work on is the characters’ personalities. Your basics are already there
so all there is for you to work on characterization is the depth – letting the
readers get to know your characters on a more “personal” level. For example,
show more scenes where the characters are alone as you would be able to show
their inner feelings, private thoughts, etc.
-
Excellent
work on a whole! ^^
Plot: 20/30
- The plot was well-developed
and interesting.
- You can elaborate more on Jiyong’s
point of view. There were sufficient scenes on Seungri and Dara to bring out
the main gist of the story, but little was shown about Jiyong. Why did he think
she was ‘perfection’ in the end? Why did he regret?
- I liked how you managed to
move the story along. There were no breaks, missing information, etc.
- The plot was not bad, but the
storyline is quite cliché. You have to add more elements to your story so the
readers can see something different in your story.
Flow/Pace: 3/5
- The flow was fine, but it
was quite disorganized. The transition between scenes wasn’t really smooth.
- However, your pacing was
good. It was not too rushed or too dreary.
Writing Style: 9/10
- Excellent work~ You were able
to get the readers’ attention.
- You managed to piece a good
storyline.
- The only thing you have to
work on now is putting more emotions and feelings into the story. Descriptions
can help in this area. Make it a little more melodramatic.
Originality/Creativity: 4/5
- It was original.
- The storyline was quite cliché.
Punctuation/Spelling/Tenses/Grammar/Vocabulary:
12/15
- Some minor errors were
seen.
- Tenses need a little
brushing up.
- Spelling and vocabulary was
fine.
Personal Enjoyment: 4/5
- I enjoyed it, but it would
have been even better if more emotions were expressed.
Marks Achieved: 76/100
Grade: B
~~~~~~~
Corrections
You had few errors. Keep up the good
work! ^^
- Example
excerpt: The
day she broke up with him was the most painful day for her but she
couldn't have move on if not from the help of her loving best
friend panda. Jiyong tried to call her
but she made a resolved to shut him off completely. You know y?
She caught him in the act making out with a girl in his car right after
he called her to apologized. How sincere isn't it? She admitts
it killed her like hell when she saw that. She thought Jiyong's
was changing and trying to be sincere only to find her hope crushing
down to pieces when she witnessed the make out session. Him and that
bitch Sohee were both fools and players.
- Why
it’s wrong:
(1) Incorrect usage of words. (2) Excess words. (3) Typographical errors and
missing punctuation. (4) Try to use better expressions instead of the usual ‘like
hell’ and ‘crushed to pieces’. (5) Pronouns act as subject and are in
subjective case [‘Him’ should be replaced with ‘He’].
- Correction:
The day
she broke up with him was the most painful day for her. She couldn't have moved
on if not for the help of her loving best friend, Panda. Jiyong tried to call
her but she resolved to shut him off completely. She had intended to forgive
him, but caught him making out with a girl in his car right after he called to
apologize. That only spoke volumes about his sincerity. It hurt. She trusted
him so much. She did all she could for him before. She had even missed him when
they were apart. She had loved him. She thought he was changing. She hoped he
was, only to witness the make out session. That was when she gave up. He and
that bitch Sohee were merely fools and players.
Side Note:
You
are able to write in such a way it flows and has direction. This is really good
as it makes the story interesting(: Work on putting more emotions. All the best~!
^^
♥ cheonsa
~~~~~~~
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