Author: topismybitch
Title: 5/5
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Creative,
original, short and sweet. Need I say more?(:
Poster/Background/Design: 5/5
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The
background was plain and simple. This is good as the readers would take note of
your content more than the fact that the story is written about their stars.
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The picture
shows clearly who the main character is.
Description/Foreword: 4/10
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Perhaps
you could omit the line saying that the title says it all. Readers wouldn’t
understand how the title says it all unless they read the story, so it’ll be
better if you just left that line out.
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Another
thing you could have added was a simple profile about your character under the
description section. For example, how old he and the female character in your
story is, what’s his profession, etc. It provides the readers with a mental
image of how the girl looks like to you.
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I
didn’t understand the Foreword, but I presume you were dedicating this story to
someone?
Plot: 28/30
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The
plot was very creative. No one thought of writing such a storyline.
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There
weren’t any breaks or missing parts in the story. However, the female character’s
characteristics remain unknown throughout. This is both good and bad. Readers
would each have their own images of the female character, but they wouldn’t
know what kind of character she is to you – the writer. It’ll be nice to know
what basic traits you’d like in your character.
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You
were able to bring out the story and let it leave a lasting impression on the
reader even though it was simply helping T.O.P dress his wounds and giving him
a massage.
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It
showed intimacy between T.O.P and the female character without having them go
all the way. Few fan-fiction writers manage to do this, and I’m glad to say
you’re one of the few(:
Flow/Pace: 5/5
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The
story flowed smoothly. You were able to bring the readers along without losing them.
I could understand everything without having to re-read anything.
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The
pace was neither too fast nor too slow.
Writing Style: 9/10
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You
have a writing style that leaves a lasting impression on the readers.
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However,
you have to learn to separate unrelated sentences. Don’t join them all into a
single sentence.
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Everything
else seemed to click into place. It seemed as if you enjoyed writing it, and it
also seemed to flow out easily. You are good with words(:
Originality/Creativity: 5/5
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Everything
was original. The story was not copied/adapted from other sources.
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You
successfully wrote a very captivating story despite it being only one scene.
Simply E-X-C-E-L-L-E-N-T! ^^
Punctuation/Spelling/Tenses/Grammar/Vocabulary:
12/15
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You do
have a good grasp in vocabulary, but try to avoid using the same words over and
over again (you used the word ‘giggle’ quite a lot). Expand your vocabulary
through reading. Novels are highly recommended.
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There
were typographical errors, but I won’t mark you down for them as there were
really few.
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Take
note of your tenses. Keep it in the past tense if it’s a narrative, instead of
switching between the past and the present tense.
Personal Enjoyment: 14/15
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I
removed the ‘Characters’ category and changed it into this as the story was too
short for characterization, etc.
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You’re
a skilled writer; don’t lose marks because of your tenses. Tenses are really
basic, that’s why I couldn’t award you full marks for this category.
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On a
whole, though, I thoroughly enjoyed it. The story was simple, but it was really
sweet. It showed the close relationship T.O.P has with the female character in
just one scene, and it was a different storyline from the usual ones I see in
fan-fictions.
Marks Achieved: 87/100
Grade: A
~~~~~~~
Corrections
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Sentence:
I wince, shaking my knuckle, clutching it to my chest.
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Why
it’s wrong: (1) Tenses. (2) You don’t just shake one knuckle (should be plural).
(3) Don’t put so many commas or it’ll make the sentence choppy.
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Correction:
I winced, shaking my knuckles and clutching them to my chest.
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Sentence:
"What the hell did you do?" She hisses, dragging me by the
collar inside.
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Why
it’s wrong: (1) Tenses. (2) Sentence structure: You have to separate the word
‘inside’ from the word ‘collar’.
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Correction:
"What the hell did you do?" She hissed. Grabbing my collar, she dragged
me into the room.
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Sentence:
Once I am in the entrance, she slams the door, leaning
against it.
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Why
it’s wrong: (1) Tenses. (2) ‘Entrance’ refers to the gate/door. You can’t go
into the door; you go into the room. If you want to say she immediately shut
the door after he stepped in, use ‘The minute I was in’.
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Correction:
The minute I was in the house, she slammed the door and leaned against it.
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Sentence:
A smirk appears on my lips, as I yell up the stairs to her, sitting
back into the couch.
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Why
it’s wrong: (1) Tenses. (2) Omit excess and unnecessary words as much as
possible, unless you’re using it to slow the story’s pace. (3) You don’t sit
into a couch, but onto.
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Correction:
Smirking, I yelled up the stairs to her and sat back onto the couch.
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Sentence:
I hear her mutter a string of curses, and more slamming.
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Why
it’s wrong: (1) Tenses. (2) Separate the sentence clearly. Muttering is
muttering; slamming is slamming. What you can do to check for such errors is to
think of them separately. In this case, what I read when I thought of them
separately was: “I hear her mutter a string of curses.” and “I hear her mutter
more slamming.”
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Correction:
I heard her mutter a string of curses. More sounds of the cupboard door being
slammed echoed through the room.
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Sentence:
"Thats what you get, you dumbass."
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Why
it’s wrong: Missing apostrophe. [I wasn’t sure if you knew how to differentiate
words like ‘Your’ and ‘You’re’, ‘Its’ and ‘It’s’ so I just added this in.]
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Correction:
"That’s what you get, you dumbass."
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Sentence:
They roll playfully, as she leans in, placing a chaste kiss on my lips.
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Why
it’s wrong: (1) Tenses. (2) State that ‘They’ refers to her eyes, or it’ll be
read as T.O.P and the female character rolling.
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Correction:
She playfully rolled her eyes back as she leaned in, placing a chaste kiss on
my lips.
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Sentence:
She points to my left, her palm doing to cover her mouth in
deep thought.
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Why
it’s wrong: (1) Tenses. (2) Doing? (3) You don’t cover your mouth when you’re
deep in though. You cover your mouth when you’re shocked, you’re laughing, etc.
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Correction:
She pointed to my left, as she rubbed her chin thoughtfully.
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Sentence:
I fight back the urge to exhale, maybe too loudly.
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Why
it’s wrong: (1) Tenses. (2) If you fought back the urge to exhale, there’ll be
no sound. You can’t make ‘no sound’ ‘loudly’.
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Correction:
I fought back the urge to exhale. [it’s already sufficient like that]
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Sentence:
"Hyunnie." She counters, her breath hitting my back,
sending ripples of bliss up my body. … I let the bliss inside me hit my
exhaustion, pulling me half into sleep.
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Why
it’s wrong: (1) Tenses. (2) The words ‘counters’ and ‘hitting’ are not very appropriate
expressions in such a situation. (3) Wrong expressions.
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Correction:
"Hyunnie." She whispered. Her breath stroked my back teasingly, the
hot air sending ripples of bliss throughout my body. … Her gentle touches
soothed, lulling me into sleep.
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Sentence:
In the back of my mind, I plan another way to pull another muscle in my back.
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Why
it’s wrong: (1) Tenses. (2) Sentence structure is incorrect.
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Correction:
In the back of my mind, I started to plot. I intended to pull another muscle in
my back – very soon.
Side Note:
This is
the highest mark I’ve awarded so far. Keep working at your mistakes and don’t
repeat them. You’re only three marks away from an A*. I enjoyed your story very
much! ^^ Will be reading all your stories from now on~ Keep up the good work!
♥ cheonsa
~~~~~~~
That background almost killed me but I made through the post. Nice one. It's been a long long time since I did composition. Brings back a lot of memories.
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