Author: WangZiShinWoo
Requested
through APink Request Shop! ♥
Title: 5/5
-
It
was not too long and it is relevant to the story.
-
It’s
not a common title for a fan-fiction(:
Poster/Background/Design:
4/5
-
Beautiful
banner showing both main and minor characters.
-
Simple,
not too flashy, and attention-grabbing.
-
You
could have put lesser pictures in the banner or changed the background. There
seems to be so many faces at a first glance, and it would make it seem quite
messy. Another option is to make the background paler (somewhat translucent).
Description/Foreword: 7/10
- Excellent work on your
description! It was clear, and the excerpt from the story was interesting~
- Necessary information was available,
but it’d help if you described more about your story than about Kibum leaving
XING.
- The foreword was good as
background information on the characters was given. Exact dates were even
provided! O.O
Characters: 12/15
- The personalities of the main
characters were very well-defined.
- Emotions of main characters
were shown.
- However, it would be good
if you showed why Kibum felt as if he killed Kevin. If you had put the sentence
“He was my angel, and I killed him. I tore him apart even though deep in my
heart, I loved him.” right at the end, it would have made a stronger impact,
and would have shown why he felt that way (because the scene where he broke
Kevin’s heart would be already over).
- The feelings the main
characters have for others around them were expressed clearly.
Plot: 24/30
- The plot was beautiful. The
parts were all there, the scenes were well-developed.
- A basic outline can be seen
and the storyline had no problems. There was direction, and your story moves
along well. It wasn’t choppy or vague.
- One thing to note: Try to
avoid having missing information in your story. For example, who did Kibum
meet, and for what purpose? In this case, you have to either mention that he
met his manager to tell him of his decision to leave XING, or write out the
whole scene.
- Also, your focus wasn’t
there. Are you trying to write about Kibum hurting Kevin, or are you focusing
on Kibum leaving as he was afraid of his feelings for Kevin? You have two
choices here. One, you write both, but you have to separate them clearly into
different parts. However, the catch is that you must be able to link them and write
it so that both can occur simultaneously without the reader losing his/her
train of thoughts. You can’t change your focus abruptly as it would cause
confusion. It’s hard to explain this… Two, you choose one to focus on. This is
much easier. It’s like having a main storyline, using the characters’ feelings
only to bring out the story.
- The ending was good, as it
would allow you to decide if you’ll want to write a sequel. Endings that aren’t
final are often very good in getting readers to subscribe and read more of your
stories(:
- Your characters were used
well, and you were able to show why you wrote the story.
Flow/Pace: 4/5
- The flow was very smooth,
and there were no breaks in the story.
- You had no problems on your
pacing, but the ending seemed quite rushed. You can try to drag it a little by
further describing their feelings.
Writing Style: 7/10
- You were able to write in
such a way it captures the reader’s attention.
- I couldn’t give you full
marks as certain things were not very clear. You need to work on showing
clearly whose point of view it was at that moment.
- A captivating story and a
heart-breaking one. You can afford to be more melodramatic – make it
heart-wrenching.
- I liked how you made it
seem like Kibum was also narrating the story(:
Originality/Creativity: 4/5
- Full marks for originality.
- Try to bring out your story
more. Make it different from other stories. Twists are good(:
Punctuation/Spelling/Tenses/Grammar/Vocabulary:
13/15
- Punctuations were correct.
- Some typographical errors,
but really minor.
- You had no problems in your
tenses.
- Some descriptive words didn’t
seem very appropriate. For example, people don’t usually use the term ‘inhuman’
for beauty. But I know what you mean so I didn’t deduct any marks for that. The
‘ignore the ignorance’ part was wrong though. Because you stated in that
sentence itself that it was Kevin comparing Kibum with Hyungjun. Change the arrangement
of those few sentences and it’ll be fine. (*See Corrections)
Bonus: 5 marks
- Enjoyed your story ^^
- The yaoi scene wasn’t
distasteful (unlike some written by authors who just can’t write explicit
scenes – if you know what I mean).
Marks Achieved: 85/100
Grade: A
~~~~~~~
Corrections
- Sentence: God knows how
long I tried to hide my emotions from him. I told no one in XING about them,
they probably would shun me if they knew. It’s not everyday you find out
your best friend is gay. I was scared. It was the only reason why I
left.
- Why it’s wrong: (1) The
term ‘everyday’ and ‘every day’ is different. In this case it should be ‘every
day’. To check: It’s not every [single] day you find out your best friend is
gay. (2) The ‘only reason’ changes the focus of the story (*mentioned above
under the Plot section).
- Correction: God knows how
long I tried to hide my emotions from him. I told no one in XING about it. It’s
not every day you find out your best friend is gay. I was scared. I knew I wouldn’t
be able to bear it if any of them shunned me, so I left. And leaving, I broke
my angel’s heart.
- Sentence: I was always
known as Hyungjun Junior or Hyungjun’s twin. I was tired of it. But when he
compared the two of us, I couldn’t help but ignore the ignorance.
- Why it’s wrong: The phrase ‘ignore
the ignorance’ is incorrect as the sentence was referring to Kevin comparing
Hyungjun and Kibum, and not Kevin being unaware of Hyungjun having a brother.
- Correction: Change the phrase or change the arrangement
of the sentences.
- Sentence: “Hungry?” Kibum
asked, Kevin nodded eagerly while Kibum smiled. “Let’s go in then. I’ll buy.”
Kevin threw his arms around Kibum’s neck.
- Why it’s wrong: Paragraphing.
- Correction: You have to put the part ‘Kevin threw his
arms around Kibum’s neck’ into another paragraph or the point of view wouldn’t
be clear.
- Sentence: Kevin smiled
sweetly, grabbing hold of Kibum’s arm as the two of them walked side by side
down the street they were on, not many people there this early in the morning.
- Why it’s wrong: The part ‘not
many people there this early in the morning’ should be separated from the other
part of that sentence.
- Correction: Kevin smiled
sweetly, grabbing hold of Kibum’s arm as the two of them walked side by side
down the street. Now describe how empty
the street was here.
- Sentence: Kibum hid his
gaze under his cap, avoiding Kevin’s accusing glare.
- Why it’s wrong: The phrase ‘accusing
glare’ wasn’t appropriate for that situation.
- Correction: Kibum hid his
gaze under his cap, avoiding Kevin’s questioning eyes.
Side Note:
A
beautiful piece of writing! If you work on your plot I’m sure you’ll do even
better(: Keep up the good work~
♥ cheonsa
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