Author: bebeth1996
Requested
through 4ever 2pm
4ever
2pm Review Rubrics
Title: 10/10
-
The
title was fully relevant to the plot. It is not too long, and would also successfully
catch the attention of Khuntoria fans. Good work on that ^^
-
The
title leads readers to presume that the ending would be a happy one. People who
like happy endings would definitely read it.
Plot: 18/25
-
Characters:
The characters’ feelings for each other are clearly shown from the beginning. Emotions
are also portrayed nicely. (Example: “Victoria
-
Show,
Don’t Tell: When they were in the gondola, you could write about how Victoria
-
Expressiveness:
I think the fact that you thought about “what could happen next” and wrote
about it is commendable (: I also gave marks for the effort you put in the plot.
You planned your storyline well and it effectively conveyed your thoughts and
feelings on Khuntoria. Conversations in the story were well-written as they
were to-the-point and not long-winded.
-
Climax:
There was no twist in the story and everything happened as predicted. Perhaps
you could add a twist by saying that Nickhun had been moody for the past few
days as he wanted to propose but did not know how to. Victoria
Originality: 19/20
-
The
storyline was original and you showed clearly where your inspiration was from. As
aforementioned, a build-up and climax would help bring out your story and make
it seem less ordinary.
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation:
8/15
-
There
were some typographical and spelling errors here and there.
-
Punctuations
were fine (:
-
Vocabulary
was quite limited but it’s understandable as it takes time and a lot of reading
to master a wide range of words. It’s the same for everyone, really, so don’t
be disheartened~
-
Some
corrections are provided right at the bottom after the total marks. I hope that
it can help you improve your writing in a shorter amount of time (:
Flow: 5/5
-
It
flowed well as you placed Headings.
I suppose you’re already used to Headings because you managed to write smoothly
so it’s still excellent work. Keep it that way if you’re comfortable with it. Just
do make sure the headings do not cause breaks in your story’s flow. Perhaps you
could try writing without it some time as it trains you to write without
guidance during the process too.
-
Generally,
the pace was consistent despite the lack of a climax. You are competent in the
managing of the story’s flow. Keep it up! ^^
Writing Style: 15/15
-
You
have a fun and upbeat writing style which helps bring the readers’ mood up.
-
You
are able to keep the readers’ attention all
the way~
Others: 9/10
-
Overall
enjoyment (4/5)
-
Nice
background + Pictures provided (2 bonus points)
-
YOUR
CONFIDENCE IN YOUR WRITING IS ADMIRABLE! You have potential to do even better.
Aja aja hwaiting!!!~ (3 bonus points)
Total: 84/100
~~~~~~~
Corrections
· Sentence: “After WGM with Victoria-ssi, we never met again or else. We just met by chance in variety shows.”
·
Why it’s wrong:
(1) Since you used “Victoria
(2) The phrase “or else” is supposed to
be used in the context of a threat. Example: “LEE CHANGSUN!!! You had better
change your change your bad habit of not washing up or else I will make sure you never set foot in my house again!”
(3) “Never” means “not at all” so if you
write that they never met again it means that they didn’t even meet “by
chance”.
(4) “On” a show, not “in”. It’s a common
error made by many. It’s just like “put on a performance”, not “put up
a performance”.
·Correction:
After WGM with Victoria-ssi, I did not intentionally* meet her
(she’s the focus, remember?) again. We only met coincidentally (a better word
for “by chance”) on variety shows.
*intentionally
= deliberately/purposely
~
·
Sentence: “…even if it’s just 3 months ago when WGM ended with us.”
·
Why it’s wrong:
(1) “is” = present-tense. Your story was
written in the past tense and there are no flashbacks, etc so there shouldn’t
be any present-tense appearing in the story. What I usually do is to write a
big ‘PAST-TENSE’ [or whatever’s applicable] on my paper so that I’ll be
consistent in my tenses.
(2) “ended with us” means that the
programme has already ended, and that [we] were the last ones who participated
in the programme.
·
Correction: …even if it was only three months ago when our time in WGM
ended.
~
·
Sentence: “Suddenly I saw someone waving hands. I went towards that
person and recognize Nichkhun-ssi.”
·
Why it’s wrong:
(1) Punctuation: A comma after “Suddenly”
is missing.
(2) Erm… “waving hands” at? You have to
state. It’s too vague. I can say the mad man was “waving his hands” and it
could mean exactly the same thing as the “waving hands” in your sentence.
(3) You have to point out that “that
person” is Nickhun.
(4) Recognized (past-tense)
·
Correction: Suddenly, I noticed
someone waving his hands at me. Walking closer, I realized that it was
Nickhun-ssi.
~
·
Phrase/Word: “newest-news”
·
Why it’s wrong: No such word.
·
Correction: latest happenings/latest news
~
·
Sentence: “They told the boys that Victoria
·
Why it’s wrong: “doesn’t even look better” means she didn’t become
prettier/more beautiful
·
Correction: ‘doesn’t look any better’ (it’s a comparative phrase)
~
·
Sentence: “Nichkhun stopped and starred at something. Wooyoung went
towards him and looked at that something.”
·
Why it’s wrong:
(1) Typographical error: “starred” is
supposed to be “stared”
(2) Try to avoid repeating the same word
for the same object at the same part of the sentences. (Hahas, sounds like a
tongue-twister, yep? :P It’s only a minor error, though.)
·
Correction: Nickhun paused to stare when something caught his eye in the shop’s
display section. Wooyoung, being curious, went to take a closer look at what
Nickhun was so enthralled by.
·
Sentence: “The audience awed to this scene.”
·
Why it’s wrong:
(1) “Awed” means something like a mixture
of reverence and wonderment so it’s inappropriate.
(2) “Awed by”, not “awed to”.
·
Correction: Upon seeing this, the audience was surprised and thrilled.
~~~~~~~
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