Author: seonminsarang
Requested
through ♔ --c h o c o
l a t e creams
Title: 4/5
- Relevant to story and genre.
- It catches the reader’s
attention as it’s not a typical title.
- It’s creative, and really
honest.
- However, the phrasing is
incorrect. There shouldn’t be the ‘Ever’ word, unless you phrase it as ‘The
Most Jealous Fan Ever’.
- Also, it was more like a
Drabble (ignoring the length), so don’t write it as a One-shot.
Poster/Background/Design:
4/5
- The picture suits the
story’s theme and mood.
- It was simple and to the
point.
- However, the ‘Or THIS’
phrase isn’t clear. I know it was trying to say that the girl in the picture
would use the guitar to hit the other girl if the other girl touches the guy.
But when phrased that way, it would say “Don’t touch the guy and the guitar”.
Description/Foreword: 7/10
- The necessary information were
available, but the description was really too short.
- It would interest readers who
agree with your opinion.
- I suggest that you give the
readers a hint on the storyline here, and also some background information on
the characters.
- *Note: If you use the word
‘jealousy’, you can’t say you love f(x) and SNSD. See my comments under ‘Plot’
for more details.
Characters: 11/15
- You managed to portray your
emotions and thoughts.
- Your feelings for the other
characters were also expressed.
- It wasn’t possible to mark
you for your characterization on Kyuhyun and Victoria because what you wrote
wasn’t a story but your thoughts and feelings on celebrities.
Plot: 20/30
- Fits description given.
- It was quite “anti-climactic”.
Frankly speaking, I was expecting a story. What you wrote was more like your
diary entry.
- *It was rather interesting how
you wrote about your jealousy, including yourself in the story, but take note
of the word ‘jealousy’. Few people know this, but ‘jealousy’ means ‘being resentful
or bitter in rivalry’ and ‘fearful or wary of being supplanted’, It basically
means you actually dislike the person who has something you don’t. Envious
would be a better word.
- Basic
outline/planning/format for storyline is obvious* (unless you have the ability
to write an interesting story even without a climax)
- Characters chosen are used
appropriately.
- You expressed your intentions
for writing the story.
- It also had a comedic side
to it.
- I’m sure readers would remember
it as it was really different from other stories out there.
Flow/Pace: 5/5
- The flow was smooth and
there were no breaks in the passage.
Writing Style: 5/10
- Your writing style wasn’t
appropriate for a story.
- However, I doubt you meant
it to be a story in the first place so I still gave you marks for this section.
I think you’re fully capable of writing a story if you wanted to.
Originality/Creativity: 5/5
- Idea wasn’t copied/adapted
from other sources.
- It was creative thinking of
writing yourself as a character. Few writers have the courage to do so, and
instead they write ‘You’ stories and put their own pictures as ‘You’ in the
description page. A round of applause for your courage ^^
Punctuation/Spelling/Tenses/Grammar/Vocabulary:
10/15
- Your punctuations were
fine, but try to avoid using asterisks to represent thoughts.
- Some errors in tenses. It
was difficult to correct this as it wasn’t exactly a story.
- Grammar needs some
improvement, but your vocabulary is not that bad. Expanding your vocabulary
takes time so I didn’t deduct any marks for that.
Bonus: 2 marks
- Effort shown.
- Different from other
stories; unique. If you wrote it as a story it could have turned out very well.
Marks Achieved: 73/100
Grade: C+
~~~~~~~
Corrections
- Sentence: Hope there's any
notification.
- Why it’s wrong: If you use
the word ‘any’, you have to make it a question. For example, ‘Are there any
notifications?’
- Correction: I hope there
are notifications.
- Sentence: It's okay, let's
find out the latest news about our oppa. ^_^
- Why it’s wrong: (1) Don’t
use ‘It’s okay’ because you’re supposed to narrate the story to the readers,
not make it a conversation. (2) You didn’t state who the ‘our’ refers to.
- Correction: I decided to
check if there were any new happenings/events that Kyuhyun participated in.
- Sentence: It's okay. Unless
they did not do skinship or else *jealous*
- Why it’s wrong: (1) Don’t
use ‘It’s okay’. (2) Don’t write your feelings in asterisks. Describe. (3)
Incorrect phrasing.
- Correction: I wouldn’t mind
it, unless they had skinship. (Describe
your envy after you see your star having skinship with another female
celebrity.)
- Sentence: *extremely
jealous had reach to its limit*
- Why it’s wrong: (1) Don’t
use asterisks. (2) Incorrect phrasing.
- Correction: Search for examples of descriptions from
passages online and try to learn how to describe.
- Sentence: *log out Facebook
immediately*
- Why it’s wrong: (1) Don’t
use asterisks. (2) Incorrect phrasing.
- Correction: I immediately
logged out of my Facebook account.
- Sentence: Why must SM asked
them to sing like this? Why don't they sing by not doing skinship? I'm freaking
jealous here, don't you know. Seems like I have a time.
- Why it’s wrong: (1) Tenses.
(2) Sentence phrasing.
- Correction: “Why can’t they
sing without being so intimate?” I thought distastefully in my mind, envy
filling my heart.
- Sentence: Well, I must
check out my aff account. Wait a second, my friend just told me to send the video
links to her. I should send it by Facebook since she have Facebook account
already. *log in Facebook and send the video links to her*
- Why it’s wrong: (1) You
can’t ‘check out’ an account. (2) Narrate the story, don’t converse. (3)
Tenses. (4)
- Correction: I wanted to
check my AFF account for updates, but decided against it. I recalled that my
friend had asked me to send some video links to her. Logging into my Facebook
account, I… (Describe.)
- Sentence: Well, my friend
have post some hot issue.
- Why it’s wrong: (1) Tenses.
(2) Don’t use ‘well’. (3) Incorrect expression.
- Correction: My friend had
just posted an interesting article that had me… (Describe your reaction.)
- Sentence: What!! I MISS
TRAX SO MUCH! Let's see what the videos about.
- Why it’s wrong: (1) Narrate
the story. Describe, don’t converse. (2) Tenses.
- Correction: I watched
TRAX’s new music video, moving along to the music, hypnotized by Jay’s (describe) eyes and entranced by
Jungmo’s brilliant guitar skills. They haven’t had many activities for a very
long time and I had missed them so much.
- Sentence: There's a lot
another man out there.
- Why it’s wrong: (1)
Plurals.
- Correction: There are a lot
of men out there.
- Sentence: Why everybody
seems like liking KyuToria so much? Why only me who hate it.
- Why it’s wrong: (1) The
word ‘liking’ and the phrase ‘Why only me’ is incorrect. (2) Tenses.
- Correction: Everyone seemed
to like KyuToria so much. Everyone but me.
- Sentence: I hope they
didn't like each other in real life. I sighed while I close my eyes and release
a heavy breath.
- Why it’s wrong: (1) Tenses.
(2) Sentence phrasing.
- Correction: Silently, I
wished in my heart that they wouldn’t fall for each other. I sighed, closing my
eyes.
- Sentence: Wait! My Facebook
has one notifications.
- Why it’s wrong: (1) Narrate
the story, don’t converse. (2) ‘Has’ is singular. (has a notification; have
many notifications)
- Correction: Noticing a
notification alert at the corner of my screen, I clicked it.
Side Note:
You made a major mistake in writing how you feel using asterisks and
a few emoticons here and there. However, I’m sure you can still write. Don’t
give up writing. Write another one-shot and try again. This time, add
descriptions, etc. All the best! Don’t ever give up(:
♥ cheonsa
~~~~~~~
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