Author: MSCMomo13
Title: 5/5
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It
was short, and to the point. This attracts readers.
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Readers
would be curious as to what message Chaejin wrote and would read your story.
Poster/Background/Design: 4/5
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Another
picture would have been better. It’s the first thing the readers would notice.
Readers who aren’t familiar with the group MY NAME wouldn’t know who Chaejin is
as there are two guys in the picture you chose.
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On
another note, thanks for the video and introducing the members below ^^
Description/Foreword: 5/10
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The
Description was fine, but the Foreword wasn’t good.
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When
you write a story, no matter how bad you think it is, don’t say so. Never ever say so. Confidence in your writing
is very important. There will be people out there who might criticize you, and
if you yourself don’t have confidence in your writing, what more can you say to
them?
Plot: 21/30
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The
plot was simple, yet structured in such a way it showed how a character would
feel when having a crush for the first time.
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More
description on both characters’ feelings would be good. For example, why was
she so special to Chaejin? The description you gave of her was too vague, and
the readers wouldn’t be able to see anything special in her. You can improve on
writing descriptions through reading more descriptive stories. Search online;
there are a lot of such stories out there.
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The
story was a little short. Perhaps you could lengthen your next one-shot? A
typical one-shot usually has a thousand words or more. Your story’s length was
that of a composition’s length. Compositions usually have five hundred words
and above.
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It
was really sweet how Chaejin constantly thought of the girl and texted her even
when she didn’t reply.
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The
plot managed to bring out a sense of innocence (as seen from Chaejin’s fondness
for the girl), which is not an easy feat. Marks were awarded for this~
Flow/Pace: 5/5
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It
flowed well, and the pace was just right(:
Writing Style: 7/10
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There
was no melodrama, etc unlike typical fan-fictions. This would grab the attention
of readers as they would see something different and unique in your writing
style.
Originality/Creativity: 5/5
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It
was original, and it was creative.
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You
managed to capture how someone would act when they have a crush for the first
time.
Punctuation/Spelling/Tenses/Grammar/Vocabulary:
12/15
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There
were some typographical errors and some errors in how you phrased your
sentences.
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You
vocabulary was fine, but it would be better if you widened your range of
vocabulary.
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I
didn’t spot any problems in your punctuations.
Personal Enjoyment: 11/15
Marks Achieved: 75/100
Grade: B
~~~~~~~
Corrections
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Sentence:
Sure he'd only just debuted and he already had thousands of girls who would
give anything to date him, he only had eyes for her.
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Why
it’s wrong: The underlined part won’t make sense without a ‘but’ before it. Could
have been a typographical error, though.
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Correction:
… but he only had eyes for her.
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Sentence:
Now they had both debuted and he wanted even more so than
he had before.
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Why it’s
wrong: (1) Since it’s ‘now’, it should be ‘have’ and not ‘had’. (2) The two
parts in the sentence is related so don’t separate them with the ‘and’. If you
want them to be unrelated, separate them completely into two sentences. (3) The
phrase ‘even more so’ isn’t used like that. Omit the ‘so’ and it’ll be correct.
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Correction:
Now they have both debuted, he wanted even more than he had before.
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Sentence:
…but he had decided to write everything down and give her a message.
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Why
it’s wrong: You didn’t specify what the ‘everything’ refers to. The lyrics?
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Correction:
I can’t write the correction for you in
this case as I’m really not sure what you’re trying to refer to.
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Sentence:
She had ignored his last five texts since he sent the message to her.
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Why it’s
wrong: You didn’t specify what ‘the message’ is.
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Correction:
She had ignored his last five texts. [It’s sufficient like that.]
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Sentence:
The distinct last line burning into his mind as he
wondered if he should have put it or not…
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Why
it’s wrong: (1) Tense. (2) Sentence phrasing. (3) Wondering = Thinking if you should
or not. The ‘or not’ added is merely repeating it.
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Correction:
The last line burned distinctly in Chaejin’s mind as he wondered if he should
have typed it in.
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Sentence:
The small of cherry clossoms, and strawberries hit his
nose. ... He was speachless as the girl held onto his slightly larger
frame tightly, her breath hitting his neck.
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Why
it’s wrong: (1) Typographical errors. (2) Comma usage after the ‘blossoms’ is
incorrect. (3) Try to avoid repeating words. There are better words than ‘hit’.
(4) The sentence is quite long. Shorten them, as errors are common in long
sentences.
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Correction:
The smell of cherry blossoms and strawberries assaulted Chaejin’s senses. … He
stood there speechless as the girl… Her breath warmed his neck, sending tingly
sensations coursing through his body.
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Sentence:
She got on her tip toes and whispered something into the maknae's ear, …
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Why
it’s wrong: Tip-toeing is already an action. You can’t get ‘on’ an action.
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Correction:
She got on her toes and whispered something… or She tip-toed and whispered something…
Side Note:
Your
writing isn’t as bad as you claimed. There’s always room for improvement, of
course, but you deserve to be applauded for managing to write a simple and
enjoyable story. The only reason why I decided against awarding you more marks
was because of your lack of confidence in your writing. You have to learn to be
proud of your work. I’m sure you can do much better if you have more faith in
yourself. Don’t be disheartened and keep working harder(: All the best in your
next story!~ ^^
♥
cheonsa
~~~~~~~
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