Author: pinaywriter
Title: 5/5
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I
haven’t seen the title anywhere before (credited for originality).
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It
would successfully catch the reader’s attention as it’s creative.
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You
showed how it relates to the story, so it made sense.
Description/Foreword: 8/10
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In
the Description section, you could
have mentioned the Genre, the Main Characters and/or the Minor Characters (the
Band should have been stated here). It’ll be neater if they were all written
together. The Excerpt was fine.
-
Although
in reality Forewords are written by people other than the main author of the
story, the Foreword section provided
in AsianFanFics is mostly for authors themselves to fill. You could mention where
you got your inspiration from, etc. Basically, make use of this section to communicate
with your readers.
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It
was a little lengthy, but you managed to provide the necessary information without
revealing too much. Good work on that(:
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You
are able to interest the readers as they would want to find out how Sungmin
would handle the problem at hand. A reader’s interest is VERY important.
Characters: 13/15
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Readers
are able to get to know the characters on a surface level. This is important,
and this is basic. You managed to meet this requirement – be it through the characters’
likes and dislikes, their emotions, or the feelings they have for others around
them.
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Readers
are able to see the personalities of the main characters, but more depth is
needed. The characters’ flaws shown were really minor and it was as if they
were near-perfect. This would give a sense of distance between the reader and
your characters.
Plot: 20/30
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The
overall storyline was common. Writers forget that in their stories, their stars
need not be stars. Why not let them be ordinary people instead of trying to find
ways and means to pair your characters with stars? It becomes really
unrealistic because there’s simply no reason why your star would see you as
different from their other fans out there (happens in fan girl fantasies only).
Furthermore, a boss-employee relationship is mostly impersonal, and a boss
wouldn’t just pick an employee to marry his son like that.
-
Perhaps
you could try writing a more realistic story as arranged marriages nowadays
only happen in third world countries, etc. Frankly speaking, fan-fiction
writers overuse it. To force someone modernized and forward-thinking to marry
nowadays is quite impossible. Tycoons’ sons have their own free wills too. Blind
dates are fine though (even internationally-known stars like Rain have also been
asked to go on blind dates before). Wealthy people sometimes make their
children go for matchmaking sessions too. Note: wealthy. [Yeah, life is fair,
but reality isn’t.]
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The
ending was predictable. If you’re going to have a predictable ending, it’ll be
better if there was a twist somewhere. Give the readers a surprise. Go for
something unexpected to spice up your story. I strongly encourage new ideas.
Who cares how crazy it might seem? Go for it~ It shows that you have an
imagination(:
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On a
whole, the plot was well-planned. I could see that you added your own details,
and that was excellent ^^
Flow/Pace: 5/5
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The
story moved along smoothly as there was no missing information.
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It
neither moved at a pace so slowly it bores the readers, nor did it move so
quickly the readers feel breathless. Keep up the good work!
Writing Style: 6/10
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I
liked how you did not use dialogue tags in excess and kept it simple.
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You
did show how the characters felt, etc through descriptions, but it would be
good if you let the description itself show the readers instead of going on to
explain it yourself. See the Correction under
Chapter 11 for an example.
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You
are able to switch between different characters’ point of views smoothly, but you
have to work on stating clearly who was speaking at that point of time.
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For
example, you wrote in Chapter 2: {“Okay,
I am in.” Mrs. Lee hugged her in gratitude. “But this would be a chaste
engagement…"}. You have to mention that Jans was speaking here or it'll
seem like Mrs Lee is the one speaking.
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You added
actions and body language into conversations, which is a major plus ^^
Originality/Creativity: 4/5
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Marks
were awarded as your story wasn’t copied from other sources.
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Arranged
marriages are manipulated too often in stories to fulfil fan girls’ fantasies. Avoid
it.
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However,
I liked the fact that your characters’ band is unique. This idea is, without a
doubt, yours. How you added it into the story was creative too~
Punctuation/Spelling/Tenses/Grammar/Vocabulary:
10/15
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There
were quite a lot of spelling errors.
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There
were also some punctuation mistakes here and there but I assumed them to be typographical
mistakes as it was not recurring.
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Check
for your tenses. The two most important tenses you should at least have a grasp
of is the present and past tense. Master this two and things will go more
smoothly in your writing.
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You
have a basic foundation vocabulary so that’s fine. However, try to avoid using
difficult words if you’re unsure of their connotations. For example, the word ‘renegade’,
which you used in Chapter 7, has
quite a strong connotation. It can’t be used to describe a fan girl. True, she
gave up supporting her star, but she isn’t a rebel/outlaw. Renegade is used for
people who desert a certain religion, people who go against the law, etc.
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Take
note of singulars and plurals. E.g. One woman; many women. You wrote in Chapter 2: {I am sure there are a lot
of normal woman who wants to…}. It should have been: {I am sure
there are a lot of women who want to…}.
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There
were grammatical errors in the way you formed sentences. This can be improved
through consistent writing or through reading novels. I’m sure you do both, so
all the best! You’re on the right track(:
Personal Enjoyment: 3/5
Bonus: 2 marks
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I am
aware that you write in slang, and that many of the expressions were translated
from Filipino. Hence, I added marks for the effort you put in as I’m aware you
tried your very best to translate them into English.
Marks Achieved: 76/100
Grade: B
~~~~~~~
Corrections
Chapter 1:
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Sentence: His mother appeared to be a meek and shy woman
when his father met her but they soon discovered that she was very
adventurous and independent.
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Why it’s wrong: If you used ‘they’, it means that her mother
didn't know herself too.
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Correction: Replace
‘they’ with ‘he’.
Chapter 2:
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Sentence: Mr. Lee said that it would appear real for all intensive
purposes. But she would know it was a rouse.
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Why it’s wrong: (1) ‘intensive purposes’ is slang. (2) ‘Rouse’
means ‘to awaken’. (3) ‘she would know’ means that it hasn’t happened yet, so
it should be in the present tense. (4) Connect the sentences.
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Correction: Mr. Lee said that it would appear real for all
intents and purposes, but she would know it is ruse.
Chapter 3:
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Sentence: …put my life in your hands…
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Why it’s wrong: ‘put’ shows willingness (connotation), which
is the direct opposite of what you were trying to show.
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Correction: …take my life into your own hands…
Chapter 4:
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Sentence: She hadn't hoped for anything but couldn't God
have given her a better reception.
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Why it’s wrong: If you write it like that, it becomes sort
of a question so you’ll need a question mark. Without it, it’ll have more
impact, so here’s my suggestion.
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Correction: She hadn't hoped for anything much, but for God
to have given her a better reception.
-
*Do note that this is thinking in the form of what she had
hoped for previously.
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Sentence: She was wondering if there was anyway to forget
that the night ever happened.
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Why it’s wrong: (1) The compound word ‘anyway’ is an adverb
meaning ‘regardless’. You should have used ‘any way’, which means ‘any manner’
or ‘any method’. (2) Incorrect expression.
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Correction: She was wondering if there was any way to forget
all that had happened.
Chapter 5:
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Sentence: …reserved for the viles of all the scum that walks
the earth.
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Why it’s wrong: (1) Too exaggerated. It's used for evil villains
in comic books. (2) Scum is plural. Hence, it should be ‘walk’ and not ‘walks’.
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Correction: Try to
change the expression itself.
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Sentence: …she knew the nerves to hit.
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Why it’s wrong: Wrong expression.
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Correction: …she knew her comment would hit him, hard. or …she just knew how to push his buttons.
Chapter 6:
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Sentence: I haven't done that very often… It makes me
feel like I might never come back.
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Why it’s wrong: (1) ‘haven’t done that very often’ means you
haven’t done that enough and you should do it more often. (2) Go somewhere.
Come from somewhere.
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Correction: I don't do that very often… It makes me feel
like I might never go back.
Chapter 7:
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Sentence: Every unguarded smile was like a acupunture
needle being pressed into his body.
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Why it’s wrong: (1) Inappropriate expression. (2) ‘an’, not
‘a’. (3) Typographical error.
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Correction: Try to
change the expression itself.
Chapter 8:
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Sentence: “Don't.call.me.prince.” he said through a smile.
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Why it’s wrong: He’s supposed to be agitated and not smiling.
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Correction: Change the
punctuations if possible, and use ‘said between gritted teeth’ instead of ‘said
through a smile’.
Chapter 9:
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Sentence: Jans' eyes were huge in shock and almost filled
her large eyeglasses.
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Why it’s wrong: Incorrect expression.
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Correction: Jans' eyes widened in shock. [It’s enough like
that.]
Chapter 10:
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Sentence: It said just that outside.
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Why it’s wrong: Not exactly wrong but unclear.
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Correction: The neon sign outside said just that.
Chapter 11:
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Stockholm Syndrome
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Why it’s wrong: It’s inappropriate. In psychology, this
refers to the victims that are held captive having feelings (be it sympathy,
etc.) for their captors and possibly defending them after the captors are
arrested. Use it only if it’s in a humorous sense.
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Referred from the review
under the Writing Style section.
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What you wrote: "... I've never slept with anyone!” he
had meant to say “We didn't sleep with each other.” but something else came
out. It was bad enough that Donghae had to hear it but the others chose that
time to let a hush of silence pass and they all heard his outburst. The
explosion of laughter they after made him want to slug his hyung. But even he
found it amusing.
-
Suggestion: "... I've never slept with anyone!” Sungmin
blurted out and a hush fell over the bar. Softly but audibly, Donghae started
snickering in an attempt to prevent himself from laughing out loud. A giggle
was heard somewhere, and soon, everyone burst out in laughter as Sungmin's face
turned tomato-red. All Sungmin wanted to do at that moment was give Donghae
hard punch in the gut. Failing to do so, Sungmin himself burst out in laughter
at the awkward situation.
Chapter 12:
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Sentence: He wiped her check with the back of that
hand.
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Why it’s wrong: (1) ‘wiped’ refers to cleaning off
something. (2) Isn’t it his hand?
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Correction: He stroked/caressed her check with the back of his
hand.
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Sentence: The guys heckled him to get a move on since
the cab's meter was already running.
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Why it’s wrong: ‘Heckle’ means ‘to interrupt/embarrass someone
speaking or performing in public with derisive or aggressive comments or abuse’.
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Correction: There are
many words that can fit that bill. E.g. nagged at him.
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Sentence: She was petrified, with a smile on her face
and the pink muffler that smelled like a prince.
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Why it’s wrong: ‘Petrified’ means ‘to make someone so
frightened that they are unable to move or think’. You can't smile when you're
petrified.
-
Correction: Try to
change the expression itself.
Chapter 13:
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Sentence: Her dad was a big music producer who loved to
lavish her daughters' K-pop addiction.
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Why it’s wrong: You can lavish on people, but you can’t
lavish an addiction. You feed an addiction.
-
Correction: Her dad was a big music producer who loved to feed
her daughters' K-Pop addiction.
Chapter 14:
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Sentence: Sungmin could feel the energy of a pack of hunting
lioness. The three of them are the gazelles.
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Why it’s wrong: (1) You have to point out that the ‘pack of
hunting lioness’ refers to the fan girls. (2) Plural of ‘lioness’ is
‘lionesses’. (3) Incorrect sentence structure.
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Correction: Sungmin felt as if the three of them were gazelles
faced by a pack of hungry lionesses.
Chapter 15:
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Sentence: He's intervined with my life for the last
time.
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Why it’s wrong: (1) Wrong word. (2) Incorrect sentence
structure.
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Correction: This is the last time he’s going to interfere
with my life.
Chapter 16:
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Sentence: He just got his gadgets and his personal effects.
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Why it’s wrong: (1) ‘just got’ means ‘just received’. (2) Wrong
word.
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Correction: He only packed his gadgets and sentimental items.
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Sentence: You are on quarantine.
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Why it’s wrong: (1) No such thing as ‘on’ quarantine. (2)
Wrong word. ‘Quarantine’ means ‘to isolate in a room’.
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Correction: You are grounded.
Chapter 17:
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Sentence: So nothing else matters.
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Why it’s wrong: Should be in the past-tense.
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Correction: So nothing else mattered.
~~~~~~~
Side Note:
Keep
writing and reading. Focus on your tenses and expressions first. With these
two, your writing would definitely improve tremendously. Hwaiting!!~
♥ cheonsa
~~~~~~~
Thanks for the review! Didn't really put to much effort editing my work so I must have given you a headache. ^>^ Thanks again! I will apply your corrections once I get more time.
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