Author: jungeunjii-
Title: 4/5
-
It
was short and creative. However, I’ve seen this title before so I couldn’t
award you marks for the title’s originality.
Description/Foreword: 7/10
-
The
description was too short. Try to give a short profile of Sunggyu and his age,
etc in the story.
-
Your
foreword was fine. Forewords are the best way to communicate to your readers.
Characters: 12/15
-
You
fully showed Sunggyu’s feelings towards the girl.
-
However,
you didn’t show how the girl felt about Sunggyu. I am aware that it’s supposed
to be in Sunggyu’s point of view, but I don’t think she has no special feelings
for him. After all, they were practically together since young until the day
she got married. It would be good if you showed some of the girl’s feelings. For
example, did she agree to Sunggyu’s pact because he was her “Plan B”? Did she
choose to be with the other guy because Sunggyu never dared to confess to her
and she thought he didn’t like her that way?
-
Lastly,
take note of how you characterize your characters. See the correction* for more
information.
Plot: 20/30
- It was interesting, but the
storyline is similar to DBSK’s Why Did I
Fall In Love With You and Taeyang’s Wedding
Dress music video’s storylines.
- You were able to show their
time spent together during their younger days all the way to her wedding day.
Your descriptions were really good(:
- It was a beautiful plot,
and you were able to keep the reader’s attention throughout the story.
- However, there was a break in
the plot. Your transition from the part where her boyfriend always appeared
wherever she and Sunggyu met to the part where Sunggyu got dressed for the
wedding wasn’t clear. The outcome was really predictable partly due to this.
Flow/Pace: 4/5
- Your flow was smooth almost
through the whole story (except for the transition I’d already mentioned under ‘Plot’).
- The pace was just right(:
Writing Style: 8/10
- You write well. The only
thing was that you can’t just italics the flashback. You have to show him
recalling the incident. You can’t just put ‘And do you remember this?’ and move
on to a flashback.
Originality/Creativity: 2/5
- It was original, but it
wasn’t creative. This storyline has been used many a time. That’s why both DBSK
and Taeyang’s music video directors had a similar storyline. But the difference
is, their focus is on the music, but your focus is on the storyline. You have
to try to be more creative and come up with new ideas.
Punctuation/Spelling/Tenses/Grammar/Vocabulary:
11/15
- Some mistakes in punctuation,
tenses and grammar.
- Vocabulary and spelling was
fine though(:
Personal Enjoyment: 5/5
- Enjoyed it thoroughly ^^
Bonus: 1 mark
- It was a beautiful story on
the whole.
Marks Achieved: 76/100
Grade: B
~~~~~~~
Corrections
- Sentence: This is the story
of me. Kim Sunggyu.
- Why it’s wrong:
Punctuation.
- Correction: This is the
story of me – Kim Sunggyu. or This is
the story of me, Kim Sunggyu.
- Sentence: Whatever
you did was beautiful.
- Why it’s wrong: ‘Whatever’
is used to emphasize a lack of restriction. It’s inappropriately used here.
- Correction: Everything you
did was beautiful.
- Sentence: Whenever you were
in pain, I was there for you, where you'd do the same in return.
- Why it’s wrong: The word ‘where’
would refer to that time when she was in pain. Hence it’s incorrectly used.
- Correction: Whenever you
were in pain I was there for you, as you were there for me when I was hurt.
- Sentence: …because all I
ever want is for you to feel better.
- Why it’s wrong: Tense. I’m
sure many teachers have said to always write in past tense before, am I right?
- Correction: …because all I
ever wanted was for you to feel better.
- Sentence: …we went to catch
a movie where you had been dying to watch it all along.
- Why it’s wrong: The words ‘where’
and ‘it’ are incorrectly used.
- Correction: …we went to
catch a movie which you had been dying to watch all along.
- Sentence: Years passed by, yet
we're still as close as before, because we grew up together.
- Why it’s wrong: (1) The
word ‘yet’ makes it seem as if Sunggyu didn’t expect their friendship to last
that long. (2) Tense.
- Correction: Years passed
by, and we were still as close as before due to the many memories shared
between us.
- Sentence: You might not
have noticed.. when I soon fell for you.
- Why it’s wrong: Sentence
phrasing.
- Correction: You might not
have noticed, but I soon fell for you.
- *Sentence: Even for a
guy like me, I'd have butterflies in my stomach in everything you do.
- Why it’s wrong: (1) Sentence
phrasing. (2) It was quite egoistical of him to say so. It was supposed to seem
like he was a loving and caring guy, so his character shouldn’t be so proud.
- Correction: You have to correct it yourself as no one
would know your story’s character better than yourself. Change the ‘in
everything you do’ to descriptions. For example, when their hands brushed, etc.
Show the readers what you meant instead of merely telling.
- Sentence: You'd then tell
me everything from head to toe and what he did makes you fall for
him deeper.
- Why it’s wrong: Incorrect
expression.
- Correction: You'd then tell
me everything from start to finish, telling me the little things he did that made
you fall for him deeper.
- Sentence: Right there
I felt like I was the most worthless guy on earth.
- Why it’s wrong: It’s not ‘there’,
the place, but ‘then’, that point in time.
- Correction: Right then I felt
like I was the most worthless guy on earth.
- Sentence: Whenever we'd
spent time together, he'd reappear from somewhere..
- Why it’s wrong: (1) You are
talking about the guy reappearing ‘wherever’, not ‘whenever’. (2) The ‘we’d’
was incorrectly used.
- Correction: Wherever we
met, he would turn up. or Whenever we
spent time together, he would interrupt.
- Sentence: As I look at
myself in the mirror, I put on my best outfit…
- Why it’s wrong: (1) Tense. (2)
He’s not narcissistic, so why did he look at himself in the mirror as he
dressed?
- Correction: As I looked at
myself in the mirror, … (the ending is
for you to change)
- Sentence: … The sound of
laughter and chattering filled the room. That was when I saw a
crowd, in elegant dresses and suits. Happy faces start to appear, both
young and old.
- Why it’s wrong: He was in
his room. If you didn’t show a change in scene clearly, it would seem like he’s
hallucinating.
- Correction: Add a transition part before this.
- Sentence: I still remember
my heart clenched when you took his hands and kissed him.
- Why it’s wrong: Missing
word.
- Correction: I still
remember how my heart clenched when you took his hands and kissed him.
- Sentence: I gave you one
last warm smile... in which you never returned.
- Why it’s wrong: Phrase used
incorrectly.
- Correction: I gave you one
last warm smile – which you never returned.
Side Note:
I know it isn’t easy to come up with new storylines. I take days to
research and plan out drafts for my stories, trying my best to come up with
something different from other stories… Don’t worry though, with your writing
abilities, you will still manage to score well each time. Of course, that doesn’t
mean you should stick to common storylines. If you think of an idea, use it, no
matter how crazy it might seem. It’s all about having the imagination, no?
^.<
♥ cheonsa
~~~~~~~
